I could never just have one drink
And if you can cudos to you, but that never worked out for me in the end!
I would tell myself all the time that this was going to be a two-drink night, go home, and wake up tomorrow ready to get my day started!
That was the plan anyway…
Once I got to the bar and started drinking, myself control went out the window. I always felt the best when I had two drinks. That was when the good buzz was starting to happen. Where I felt my dopamine hits turning on, I was feeling buzzed, still coherent but giddier… yeah that was my sweet spot.
But since that spot was so sweet, I just wanted it to keep on going!
I wanted more when I was drunk. There was less self-control than before I started drinking and that already led to two drinks! That is like saying you are going to have just one chip when you pull out a bag of chips. Yeah, that never is going to happen! I can’t eat just ONE chip!
I was fooling myself.
I ALWAYS had more liquor after those first two drinks. What planned on being a quiet night ‘in’, turned out to be a wild night out till 3 am or later. I never knew what it was going to lead to.
I did this way more times than I could count!
Then I would be hungover on the couch all day, wishing I didn’t go out. The last thing I wanted to do was get my check list done for the day! It was a head game more than anything. Always fucking with my emotions, to-do lists, and energy levels. The thoughts the next day were less than positive. I would berate myself and tell myself it was okay, when really the anxiety would kick in and I felt bad about not getting my work done. I felt bad about my whole existence! Those dopamine hits I got last night were wearing out and now all I felt was a heavy burden and depression.
When I was in this low frequency energy, I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone! Hibernation was my go-to mode – phone turned off and no one talk to me.
I was a social drinker, so my two drinks rule wasn’t cutting it when I was with everyone hanging out at the bar. The more my friends drank, so did I. We fed off each other’s inebriated drunk energy. It always got me in ‘trouble’. As in, I wasn’t going to be doing what I needed to do, like…
Errands or working since I worked from home. I had deadlines for my job I needed to type up and those were (more days than I liked to admit) put on the back burner because I was more concerned with drinking alcohol. Going out was a top priority for me! I don’t know if that was what I was telling myself back then but that is what I was doing so it was, whether I knew it or not!
My actions were SHOWING ME what my priorities were, and it always revolved around alcohol.
If I wanted to get stuff done the next day I would have been saying no to going out! But I never said no. I thought for some odd reason that I would have more self-control AFTER having a couple of drinks – which is laughable now.
Being inebriated led to me making decisions that weren’t the best for me. I said to myself a THOUSAND times, “I’m not going to smoke cigarettes and I am going to go home early.” It’s like I was prophesizing the night because I would DEFINETLEY get cigarettes and stay out all night. Lol.
Alcohol, cigarettes, and late nights were my mantra.
What I was trying to do for YEARS was manage my alcohol addiction. It was exhausting and writing this blog just brings back all these memories of how hard that actually was for me.
I didn’t mind it when I was having a couple drinks at 9:00 at night. Those were the ‘fun’ times. But those were also the drinks that lead to me staying out all night! They may have seemed innocent, but they were the drinks leading up to me getting more, and more, and more. Until it was 2 am and I wanted to go downtown till 6 am.
Yeah, I could pull all-nighters easily when I was drinking.
In short, I never managed my alcohol. From the outside I looked fine. Like any other normal person who hangs out with friends and goes to the bars for a good time. I had a job, a house, a car, everything was provided for me.
That’s the kicker with alcohol - you either manage your ‘drunkness’ and you’re okay to drink it, or you have a problem because you go overboard and don’t know how to handle yourself. If you look normal and keep your job, you’re okay. But if you let it get out of hand - you need to stop.
But who makes these rules? Where does the line end?
I think you decide that for yourself, really. That’s what I did. I had to decide what I wanted my life to FEEL like. What do I want it to feel like every day? Because this managing alcohol drinking with my lifestyle was like walking through quicksand. It wasn’t fun for me anymore. I was holding a beach ball under water for 10 years.
I saw how there was no two-drink maximum for me.
I saw I needed to eliminate alcohol FULLY if I wanted to live the life where I felt good EVERYDAY.
I saw how alcohol was not manageable for me.
I saw how it affected my workout routine and eating habits. It kept me being more lethargic and eating crap food.
I saw alcohol led to cigarettes, which I wanted to quit for years! I would always smoke and drink.
I wanted to show up for myself in ways I that was hard if I continued drinking alcohol. Actually, they weren’t just hard – they were nearly impossible to do. Like quit smoking cigarettes and work out.
I loved working out – that was always affected when I had a hangover. I wanted to eat healthy – that didn’t always happen when I was getting greasy fast food take out hungover. I wanted to learn new things for myself – that wasn’t happening with me numbing out.
Alcohol was getting in the way of EVERYTHING I wanted to achieve with myself. Not just that next day where I needed to get my stuff done and be productive. But my SOULS GROWTH.
I took a very grounded approach here, after years of SEEING how there never was going to be a two-drink maximum for me, I needed to make a choice and quit alcohol for good.
All signs were pointing to YES! GREEN LIGHT! QUIT NOW!
I couldn’t manage alcohol anymore.
It either had to go or I had to get use to me being drunk till the wee hours of the morning - and that latter image scared the hell out of me. I knew continuing to drink would be harder on me than anything else, even getting sober.
It’s no secret which road I chose to go down.
So here I am, now thanking myself for not being able to only drink two drinks because that would have only prolonged my sobriety! It kind of goes with my energy, I go all in. All in on drinking and all in on quitting. Best decision I ever made! If this resonated with you and you want to finally be FREE of alcohol too, try my ‘Sober for an Hour’ 7-day plan to get you started on the road to recovery! It’s a gentle way to get sober without any guilt and shame and also to help you feel AMAZING while doing it!
Have a beautiful day and I hope this is a great blog to reflect on.
<3 Mahina